It’s amazing to me that with enough hype, smoke, and mirrors a band can become legendary and do so without even having any really truly great songs. It’s all good. I was young too and yes, I fell for it as well. I thought Motley Crue was one of the coolest fucking bands on the planet. They always looked bad ass to me, they were loud, and they just appealed to me in the way that say Superman or Spiderman would appeal to comic book kids. Motley Crue were kind of like super heroes of sorts but as with super heroes, the older we get, the more we realize just how un-real they truly are.
Motley Crue captured and appealed to my young developing mind. Songs about fucking chicks in elevators, telling us all about Dr. Feelgood, and shouting at the devil which I’m still trying to understand; were they shouting mean things at him or shouting shit like, “Fuck yeah, Devil. We love you! Horns up! Either way, I fell for it and loved it but the older I got, the more ridiculous Motley Crue got, especially when you compare them to other bands of their era who were so much better. Ratt, W.A.S.P., hell, even Great White was fucking better than them but the Crue had a shtick that stuck out (even more so than W.A.S.P’s) and therefore made them kings of the Sunset Strip.
So here we are, 30 some odd years later and there is a movie being made. That’s right; a bio-pic about Motley Crue based on the band’s bestselling biography, The Dirt. For anyone who read that book, you’ll know that it’s hands down one of the best fucking reads out there. I mean, I usually don’t like fiction but The Dirt was a book that I just couldn’t put down. Ok, that was kind of a jab but c’mon, for as fucked up as those guys were, their memories sure were clear. Anyways, someone thought it would be a good idea to make this book into a movie. Yes, that’s right, The Dirt is going to become a movie.
Yeah, buddy. How about that cast photo? So apparently the biggest star in this cast is Iwan Rheon who is best known for his role as everyone’s favorite dick chopper offer Ramsay Bolton in Game of Thrones. Oh yeah, let’s not forget rapper Machine Gun Kelly (no I didn’t make this up) who is best known for his “rapid fire lyrical flow.” The cast is rounded out by Douglas Booth who, according to IMDB, hasn’t done a goddamn thing, and Daniel Webber who is noted to have played in Julia Leigh’s haunting erotic fairytale, Sleeping Beauty in 2011 as Vince Neil. These guy’s careers are about as exciting as all the songs on Dr. Feelgood sans the title track.
The IMDB page does also offer up some very important information such as Tony Cavalero who, again, didn’t do a damn thing playing Ozzy Osbourne as well as who will be portraying such cruecial roles as Actress, Beautiful Blonde Groupie, Crue Groupie, Mourner, Girl With Drink, Excited Girl, Party Guest, and Addict.” Whew.
So honestly, I’m just trying to figure this out. Of all the fucking bands to make a movie about, they make a movie about Motley Crue with a starless-studded cast of people in a production that is without a doubt going straight to the bottom of everyone’s Netflix menus. I don’t even see this movie going straight to DVD. This movie even has the potential to make Rockstar look like the fucking Godfather. I mean, is there going to a really serious scene where Nikki Sixx poetically ponders over the lyrics to “Looks That Kill?” Is there a scene where Vince Neil actually first instates the “rah ah ah’s” into all the lyrics? Are we going to see Tommy Lee fucking Bullwinkle in the van?
It all just seems ridiculous to me but in all honesty, Motley Crue really is a fucking legendary band. They were one of the first of their kind and they ruled the Sunset Strip scene and reigned as kings for decades. Now whether or not they are nearly as talented or able as other bands is not the point. The point is that Motley Crue, whether we like them, liked them and don’t any longer, or don’t at all, is a huge part of a huge story. It’s just sad that this story is going to be told with such low brow budgeting and a storyline that I’m sure will paint them to be Gods amongst men in spandex. With all that being said, you bet your sweet ass I’m gonna watch this movie regardless of how bad it is because it’s literally going to be like a trainwreck. You’re not going to want to look away not matter how painful it us.
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