As you all know, I go to a lot of fucking concerts for this here little website. For your reading enjoyment I have sat through the best, the almost best, the mediocre, and the downright horrible (I’m talking to you Whitechapel). I have noticed that at nearly every show I attend I find myself with a laundry list of things that I wish bands would or wouldn’t do. It goes without fail and it blows me away that I see these same little quirks by every band. Sometimes I wish that there was either a handbook or maybe even a community college class that bands could attend where they can learn to do or do not these horrible annoyances that I seem from to show.
Unless you’re Iron Maiden, Sabaton, Crobot, or Black Star Riders, I saw your band’s show and though it could definitely use some tweaking and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that you’re a shitty band or that I like your band any less. It just means that the show needs a little tweaking for my own liking. As we all know, opinions are like assholes and according to Jon Leon of White Wizzard, I would be an opinion with an agenda. Regardless, these are just my own little pet peeves that I would love to see bands work on to create a tighter, even more enjoyable live experience. Consider this a Phoenix University Online Course taught by yours truly. Here we go.
Lesson 1: Get a Backdrop and/or Amp Banner
I walk into a venue and I’m watching this band on stage thrashing out and totally owning shit and I totally want to know who this is. There’s no banner, no band name on bass drums, no nothing. There is nothing to visually distinguish who you are. I’m just looking up at a bunch of dudes in jeans and Crowbar t-shirts kicking ass yet after three songs I still have no idea who you are. Don’t you want me to know who the fuck you are so I can check out your shit?
Lesson 2: Say the Name of Your Band More Than Once
Ok, so you can’t afford a fancy ass backdrop, bass drum heads, or amp banners. Well, say your fucking band name after every other song or so. You don’t have to say it after every song but c’mon dudes. If you really want people to walk out of that room knowing who you are, let it be known. Have some fun with it. “We are Twisted Fucking Sister!” “We are Sabaton!!!” I mean, these bands know the importance of identifying themselves even if at this point they don’t have to any more. More than likely if you’re reading this you don’t have that luxury so please, tell me who you are so I can either buy your shit or avoid you like the plague.
Lesson 3: Quit Mumbling
What was that? I couldn’t hear you there lead singer dude. There’s nothing I hate more when you’ve got this band up on stage just ripping shit up at full volume and then their singer talks into the mic addressing the crowd with the volume of a shy toddler saying he has to go to the bathroom. Don’t fucking mumble dude. SPEAK UP. Talk to us. Engage us. Don’t stare at the setlist mumbling something and then slam into some wicked ass song. I know you have a voice because I just heard you using it at full volume. Speak up!
Lesson 4: Quit Talking Like There’s 20,000 People In The Room
I have seen this so many times and it always makes me “lol” and roll my eyes. I am all for a band getting really into a performance and giving it their all but sometimes you just have to gage your audience and figure out how best to give that crowd an amazing show without looking like a total dipshit. Kind of like when I saw the band Grayson Manor here in Atlanta addressing the room as “ATLANTA! MAKE SOME NOISE FOR MEEEEE.” Well, they’re from Atlanta and there were like 30 people watching them play. You can still put on a great show and not look like a total jackass so please, do that.
Lesson 5: Look Like Your Having Fun
There is nothing worse than a band trying to entertain you that looks like they would rather be anywhere else but the stage. I saw this band once called Divinity Compromised and they were a stellar band but oh my god it was like watching paint dry on four walls. Their guitar player was so still that I had to fight the urge to hold a mirror under his face to see if he was even breathing. Here’s the deal band duders, if you’re just not into playing live, why do it? I mean, if you can’t even be moved by the music you’re playing how can you expect the people watching you to be moved or to get into it? You don’t have to jump all over the place and act like asshats like Grayson Manor but put a little effort into it.
Lesson 6: Hey Dude… QUIT SPITTING!
Enough with the fucking spitting on stage dudes. That shit is just fucking disgusting and you know it. Did you learn that in the trailer park or something? The last thing I want is whatever you guys have so keep it in your mouth or use a goddamn cup. That stage doesn’t belong to you. How would you like it if I came over to your house and spit on your floor? Well, actually, if you’re spitting on a stage like that you probably would be totally cool with me doing that so nevermind. Ok, whatever, just fucking stop doing it.
Lesson 7: Don’t Berate Your Own Songs.
This is something I will never understand. See a band apologize or berate a song in their setlist. “Oh, forgive us here’s a ballad” or “We don’t like this song but so and so does so here it is.” Way to sell it guys. This will always bug me because at the end of the day, if you don’t like a particular song or you are embarrassed by it, DON’T FUCKING PLAY IT. When I saw Kyng recently (one of my favorites) their singer/guitarist Eddie kinda downplayed the song “Electric Halo” as a song that he didn’t like but guess what? I LOVE that song. Unfortunately, now whenever I hear that song I will always remember that he doesn’t like this song. Let your fans be the ones to not like a song. If you really don’t like it, don’t play it and ruin that experience or feeling for the fan who truly does love that particular song.
Lesson 8: Have Some Sort of Physical Product
Just showing up for the gig and kicking ass isn’t enough. If you play your ass off and you turn some heads, you’re going to want to make sure people go home with something that has your band name on it. I know that not every band can afford sweet ass swag like hot sauce, panties, and car air fresheners but bands, HAVE SOMETHING to give/sell the people at your shows. If you have some music online, a website, or whatever, invest a small amount of money into some kind of product to at least let people know where they can go to learn more about your band, listen to your band, send you nude photos, send you hate mail, whatever. Even the smallest thing like a guitar pick with your band name/website, handmade key chains, or even stickers will be enough to get someone’s attention and want to seek your band out. Get creative with it. I’ve seen bands use everything from writing pens to condoms to ice scrapers for your car (brilliant!) so put some thought to it. Don’t go empty handed because if you do that’s how you’ll leave.
Lesson 9: Don’t Do a Cover Unless You Fucking Nail It
When I’m at just about any band’s show I dread hearing when the singer dude goes, “This next song is not one of ours.” Immediately my body tenses up, I grind my teeth, and I close my eyes bracing myself for face first impact into a wall of suck. In some cases bands get it right and nail the fuck out of a song. I’ve seen Kyng completely rip shit up with “Hot for Teacher”, I’ve seen Holy Grail melt face with Rainbow’s “Kill the King”, and I’ve seen Black Star Riders nail like 9 Thin Lizzy songs. On the other side of the spectrum, I watched local band Void of Reason throw Iron Maiden’s “The Evil That Men Do” on the ground and trod all over and I’ve seen Gypsyhawk take the Boston classic “Peace of Mind” and completely miss the mark. Folks, if you’re going to do a cover do it well. Nail the fuck out of it or do something truly unique with it and take it out of its own skin like Ryan Adams’ acoustic cover of Ratt’s “Round and Round.” Just do it right, do it well, or don’t do it at all.
Lesson 10: Hang With Your Fans
Finally, bands, take the time to hang out with your fans. I see a lot of bands these days making it habit to hang out at the merch booth after their set talking to fans and signing shit and taking pictures. This is a really cool thing to see and it really goes a long way. It makes your fans feel important, appreciated, and more likely to buy some sweet merch from you guys. I understand that playing live is draining but c’mon, you’re an up and coming band and you’re probably living in a van. It’s not like you have some sweet ass bus or high end dressing room to retire to. Take a few moments for yourself, have a beer, smoke a J, wind down and then get back out there and meet the people that making it possible for you to do what it is that you’re doing: playing music on the road.
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