{"id":10190,"date":"2012-09-10T07:00:09","date_gmt":"2012-09-10T11:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/southeastofheaven.com\/?p=10190"},"modified":"2012-09-10T08:04:14","modified_gmt":"2012-09-10T12:04:14","slug":"press-releases-the-bad-the-worse-and-the-downright-awful","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/?p=10190","title":{"rendered":"Press Releases: The Bad, The Worse, and The Downright Awful"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Here at The Great Southern Brainfart, I get a lot of press releases from bands.\u00a0 For the most part, I get some great press releases that actually intrigue me but then there are the ones that look like they were written by an 11th<\/sup> grade BFF of a band.\u00a0 It really blows me away that some of these bands actually allow such things to be published to the press about their band.\u00a0 I decided to go through a few of these and pick out the ones that I thought stood out the most as some of the most ridiculous press releases I have read.\u00a0 In all fairness, I have linked the bands because hey, you know never know.\u00a0 You may end up finding your new favorite band this way.\u00a0 It\u2019s unlikely but again, it\u2019s very possible.\u00a0 So here we go.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Scott Mosher | http:\/\/www.scottmosher.com<\/a>
\nOceans of Night | http:\/\/www.oceansofnight.com<\/a><\/p>\n

Aloha.<\/em><\/p>\n

Scott Mosher, musical mastermind of the Oceans of Night band here, and I’m interested in submitting our music for review and editorial coverage.<\/em><\/p>\n

I can provide a physical press kit (and CD) or a digital press kit (60 megs) to an email address.<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m also not adverse to subjecting us to interviews or editorial coverage. I am adverse to doing manual labor or relearning trigonometry.<\/em><\/p>\n

Many thanks in advance!<\/em>
\n Scott Moshter<\/em><\/p>\n

So first off, is this guy Hawaiian?\u00a0 Second, I\u2019m really glad to see that Scott is so modest while referring to HIMSELF as a \u201cmusical mastermind.\u201d\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t you want someone else to pin that title on you as opposed to doing so yourself?\u00a0 That would be like me addressing myself as world renown and amazing blogger The Great Southern Brainfart.\u00a0 If you couldn\u2019t hear my eyes rolling from where you\u2019re sitting right now it\u2019s a damn miracle.\u00a0 Oh yeah, and he may need to learn to spell his last name properly as well.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

==============================================<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>MURDER CONSTRUCT: http:\/\/www.murderconstruct.com<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

MURDER CONSTRUCT<\/em> discharge their ear shattering debut full-length, Results, with the force of an early morning napalm strike. \u00a0Boasting an all-star line up of notorious death metal and grindcore veterans including Travis Ryan (CATTLE DECAPITATION), Danny Walker (EXHUMED, INTRONAUT) and Leon Del Muerte (EXHUMED, IMPALED), MURDER CONSTRUCT pummel and pound their way through eleven tracks of bloodthirsty rage. \u00a0The quintet set forth a lethal dose of death\/grind, combining razor sharp guitars, machine gun blasts and homicidal growls with their own twisted brand of experimentation. Results is a violent, uncompromising display of top-notch musicianship and cutthroat songwriting that is sure to leave the listener outlined in chalk. <\/em><\/em><\/p>\n

Wow.\u00a0 So I couldn\u2019t\u2019 even edit this one down because there was so much awesome terribleness that I had to leave it all intact.\u00a0 So Murder Construct is going to \u201cdischarge\u201d with the force of an early morning napalm strike?\u00a0 So I just want to know what makes an early morning napalm strike any more intense than say a mid-morning brunch napalm strike or an early afternoon napalm strike?\u00a0 I\u2019m also pretty pumped to see that this is an \u201call-star\u201d line-up because, oh wait, I have no idea who ANY of those bands are.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you need to be a \u201cstar\u201d to be considered part of an \u201call-star\u201d band?\u00a0 Homicidal growls huh?\u00a0 So this singer\u2019s voice will kill me and leave me \u201coutlined in chalk?\u201d\u00a0 Maybe I\u2019ll just die from killing myself by having to listen to this crap.
\n==============================================<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Steve Harris (Iron Maiden): http:\/\/www.steveharrisbritishlion.com\/<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

From the growling riffage of opening salvo This Is My God to the heavy forlorn balladry of follow-up Lost Worlds which showcases Richard Taylor\u2019s soaring vocals, it\u2019s clear that \u2018British Lion\u2019 is an altogether different beast from Maiden.<\/em><\/p>\n

Karma Killer, with its dirge-like muscularity, and Us Against The World, with its massive chorus, demonstrates just how far \u2018British Lion\u2019 has flexed Steve Harris\u2019 considerable musical muscle. Dovetailed with guitarist David Hawkins\u2019 positively gargantuan lyrical guitar melodies, it\u2019s a mere hors d’oeuvre ahead of the epic, riffing-feast of The Chosen Ones, with its swaggering bravado.<\/em><\/p>\n

A World Without Heaven, at a breathtaking seven minutes and infused with progressive elements without ever teetering into self-indulgence illustrates perfectly these songsmiths\u2019 colossal abilities to create a mood and stay there. Supercharged by Steve Harris\u2019 inimitable style, there\u2019s an un-cynical vibe here that\u2019s as refreshing as it is out of place in today\u2019s all-too-categorised music industry.<\/em><\/p>\n

With Iron Maiden, Steve Harris has become one of the most recognised and successful ambassadors for British music on the world stage. Having released 15 studio albums, sold over 85 million records worldwide and played more than two thousand gigs in 58 countries in the band\u2019s thirty-five year career, his appeal is truly global.<\/em><\/p>\n

And now with \u2018British Lion\u2019, Steve steps out from Iron Maiden\u2019s illustrious shadow to present a different side of his musical visions.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cGrowling riffage\u201d, \u201cDirge-like muscularity\u201d, \u201cgargantuan lyrical guitar melodies\u201d, \u201cambassador of British music.\u201d\u00a0 Wow.\u00a0 Just wow.\u00a0 I mean, we know that Steve Harris kicks ass but have you ever read a more pompous and clich\u00e9 filled press release ever?\u00a0 C\u2019mon Steve Harry.\u00a0 Give us a break.\u00a0 It\u2019s things like this that make me wish I could go up to ol\u2019 \u2018arry and just slap him upside his noggin\u2019 and say, \u201cDid you actually let someone send this crap out?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m sure it\u2019s going to be a great album but this is a great example of why even some great bands and albums get totally overlooked by the press.\u00a0 If you\u2019re trying to sell me on this, it\u2019s not working.<\/p>\n

==============================================<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Deadly Remains: http:\/\/www.myspace.com\/deadlyremains<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

One of the best new American death metal bands, California’s Deadly Remains truly crushes all in its path. The band’s debut album, \u201cSevering Humanity,\u201d is an impressive display of pure, brute force. Taking death metal to the gates of hell in an absolute fury of rage, angst and absolute torment. Fans of Hour of Penance, Abominable Putridity, Condemned or Flesh Consumed, will be instant Deadly Remains minions.<\/em><\/p>\n

A MYSPACE PAGE?\u00a0 LULZ!\u00a0 I hate to disappoint Deadly Remains by telling them that they don\u2019t crush all in its path.\u00a0 Um, hello!\u00a0 Right here.\u00a0 I\u2019m still standing.\u00a0 If anything, I\u2019ve got a slight headache after listening to your band but again, I\u2019m still standing here uncrushed.\u00a0 \u201cTaking death metal to the gates of hell in an absolute fury of rage, angst and absolute torment.\u201d\u00a0 One can only hope that Deadly Remains will leave it there forever.<\/p>\n

==============================================<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Offending: http:\/\/www.offending.fr\/<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

“Age of Perversion”, the 2nd album by France’s Offending, is one cruel<\/em>
\nDeath Metal beast. Ripping solos and pummeling blasts reign down like a hammer on the listener through 9 tracks of pure-sombre death. This is dark brutality in concentrated form that will appeal to fans of true Death Metal (Cannibal Corpse, Suffocation, Vile, Hate Eternal, etc).<\/em><\/p>\n

This is one cruel Death Metal Beast?\u00a0 9 tracks of pure somber death?\u00a0 Sounds like someone\u2019s publicist was working way too late at night and the 5 Hour Energy shots had long ago passed through his\/her system.<\/p>\n

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\"\"<\/a>Borgne: http:\/\/www.myspace.com\/borgne<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

Quebec’s Sepulchral Productions has set June 12th<\/sup> has the date on which Royaume des Ombres from Swiss atmospheric\/industrial black metallers BORGNE will be made available for mass consumption.\u00a0 BORGNE will pummel listeners with nearly 60 minutes of brutal, creepy and suffocating songs, while adding an epic twist.<\/em><\/p>\n

A MYSPACE PAGE!\u00a0 So these guys new album will be made available for mass consumption.\u00a0 Has the FDA been made aware of this because I\u2019m pretty sure eating plastic could result in some form of horrible death while shitting shards of plastic?\u00a0 Oh well, it probably doesn\u2019t matter since I\u2019ll obviously be suffocated by their songs with an epic twist.\u00a0 Is that epic twist that I\u2019ll die?\u00a0 Not much of a twist there if you ask me.<\/p>\n

==============================================<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Suture: http:\/\/www.myspace.com\/suture<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

Baton Rouge-based lords of brutal death metal, SUTURE, are back with a vengeance. After years of dormancy, the band that once terrorized the swamplands of the Southern United States have re-emerged with one goal in mind – GLOBAL DOMINATION. A recently re-recorded and remixed version of their 2008 release,Skeletal Vortex is now available via Soulflesh Collector Records. It is in fact the perfect mix of technicality, groove, and melody wrapped in a package of merciless punishment. Chad Kelly\u2019s (Excommunicated, ex-Catholicon) re-mixing\/re-recording completes the package with skill and the utmost in sonic intensity.<\/em><\/p>\n

ANOTHER MYSPACE PAGE!\u00a0 Oh my.\u00a0 Another band who has one goal in mind: GLOBAL DOMINATION (in all caps of course).\u00a0 I hope these guys aren\u2019t too pissed when they find out about the other 100,000 bands that are out for GLOBAL DOMINATION.\u00a0 Or maybe the only band here that will achieve that is MURDER CONSTRUCT since they\u2019ll take everyone out with an early morning napalm strike.\u00a0 I\u2019m also a little concerned that they terrorized the swamplands and still live to tell the tale about it.\u00a0 I find this highly unlikely because I\u2019ve seen Swamp People on the history channel and that old dude who\u2019s the \u201cKing of the Swamp\u201d would\u2019ve trapped, skinned, and ate these fools before they knew what hit them.\u00a0 I\u2019m guessing it\u2019s just another bunch of garage dwellers from New Orleans hoping that Phil Anselmo will acknowledge their presence.<\/p>\n

==============================================<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Drone: http:\/\/www.droneband.de<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

Modern high quality thrash metal, DRONE are four guys who have taken grasp of metal, delivering it as precise as a bullet from a gun on and off of the stage! Their success is no hidden lie to the scene; DRONE bring forth a highly important aspect to thrash metal across Europe, that’s a fact.<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n

Ya know, I was totally on the fence about listening to these guys until I read that they are not just thrash metal but HIGH QUALITY thrash metal.\u00a0 And the fact that they deliver it as precise as a bullet from a gun on and off the stage just sealed the deal.\u00a0 Actually, I\u2019m lying.\u00a0 I have no fucking clue what that means.\u00a0 Even in trying to analyze that phrase I have no clue what they\u2019re talking about.\u00a0 Are they talking that they\u2019re so precise in their playing that it\u2019s like a bullet leaving a gun on and off the stage?\u00a0 Anyways, I also love how it\u2019s A FACT that Dron bring forth a highly important aspect to thrash metal across Europe?\u00a0 First off, what aspect is it that they bring?\u00a0 I\u2019d kinda like to know and I\u2019m also glad to hear that they\u2019re not bringing to AMERICA.\u00a0 Well, it\u2019s a fact that they\u2019re doing it in Europe but not here.\u00a0 I\u2019m so confused but one thing is for sure after hearing them, they\u2019re bringing the suck\u2026 and THAT\u2019S a fact.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here at The Great Southern Brainfart, I get a lot of press releases from bands.\u00a0 For the most part, I get some great press releases that actually intrigue me but then there are the ones that look like they were written by an 11th grade BFF of a band.\u00a0 It really blows me away that some of these bands actually allow such things to be published to the press about their band.\u00a0 I decided to go through a few of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[276],"tags":[825,823,819,195,821,824,820,822,826],"class_list":["post-10190","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-music-editorial","tag-borgne","tag-deadly-remains","tag-drone","tag-iron-maiden","tag-murder-construct","tag-offending","tag-scott-mosher","tag-steve-harris","tag-suture"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10190","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/14"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10190"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10190\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10190"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10190"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.southeastofheaven.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10190"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}